Recently in Self Discovery Category

Let me share with you my experience about horrible conversations with Dad. We don't have much disagreements, but when this topic comes up, it usually ends all conversations for the entire day. Just put yourself in my shoes for a moment. I'll bring you up to speed as to how this happened.

When I finished my 'O' levels...

*I was playing Counterstrike on my computer*
Dad: Son... Any idea which course to take in polytechnic?
Me: No idea? Business?
Dad: Take I.T. You're on the computer all day long. You can design software like this. The I.T. industry is paying well.
Me: Ok.

Playing games on the computer and programming are two different things... but they look alike. Anyways, I took an I.T. diploma. While I was at it...

Dad: You should have taken business instead. I.T. going down.
Me: Ok.

I took up an advanced diploma in business while I was in National Service. No issue here, because it was what I wanted to do. Dad couldn't say much because I wasn't at home most of the time.

When I moved on to complete a degree in business... that was when the conflict started.

Dad: My friend's son is a lawyer. Making big bucks. So many people studying business nowadays.
Me: But that's what I want. Besides, I'm already halfway through it!
Dad: I'm just saying. I mean, if you studied harder, you could have gotten into a law school. Anyway, you're good at arguing with people right?
Me: That's not what I want.
Dad: Fine, up to you.

A short while later...

Dad: My friend's son is in the marine industry. He's working on a ship. A lot of overseas allowance. He will become a captain one day. Will make big bucks.
Me: No. I like what I am doing.
Dad: Up to you. I mean, if you can't find a job next time, don't come crying to me.

A short while later...

Dad: You know that uncle of yours, Mr. XXXX from Indonesia?
Me: Who is he? I've never seen him before.
Dad: His daughter and son... Both doctors.
Me: So?
Dad: Next time when he grows old he doesn't need to worry about medical treatment.

A short while later...

Dad: You know your cousin is in Singapore right? Back from London. Working as an intern for MFA. On a scholarship. Next time she's going to be successful.
Me: ...
Dad: You should have studied harder last time. What scholarship do you have?

A short while later...

Dad: My friend's son in oil industry. Working as an engineer. You need oil for everything. His yearly bonus is a lot.
Me: So what?
Dad: You should have gone into oil industry... *then he finally remembers, pauses and corrects himself*... I mean, you should have studied harder. Now the market is full of business graduates? How will you find a job?
Me: There is always a demand out there. You just have to actively seek it. I'm in the school's job placement scheme, and on my part, I will be personally looking for jobs and sending my resume out.
Dad: You are not a scholar. You are not from NUS or NTU. What makes you think they will hire you?
Me: Then... If everything I do is wrong. What do you want me to do?!
Dad: You should have studied harder last time. Go and do your Masters. Finish studying once and for all.
Me: I'm not doing my Masters, unless I have enough work experience and only if my job scope requires it.
Dad: I don't think you can find a job then. You think it's so easy.
Me: I'm proving you wrong then.

He walks off and slams the door behind him.

Initially, I felt stressed up, confused and hurt over his comments. Then I realized it was best to remain passive when conversations like this occur. I appreciate his concern, but there is no way I'm letting him dictate what I want to do in life.

I may not be rich or successful, but I am sure as hell... damn happy with what I do.

Everyone in school is talking about the World Cup finals. Even the girls can name the footballers. Some even stayed up on early Monday morning to watch the final match. Every time the conversation about Spain's victory comes up, I have nothing to say.

I've never watched a World Cup match in my life. I just can't bring myself to sit down, sit still and watch.

Wait... I've only watched only one soccer match in my life. Can't even remember what league or cup it was. About 6 years ago, I bet a few hundred dollars, on impulse, on a team which I barely even remember now. I sat through the match, alone at home, with lots of beer. I remembered getting very high and restless during halftime, badly wanting the match to end so that I could know the final score. I ended up losing all my money, but I drank more beer to make up for the loss.

If I really tried my best to have a conversation with a football fan, it would sound like:

Fan: Hey man, watched the match last night?
Me: Yes, of course. It was brilliant. I think that it was a fair game. Beautiful game.
Fan: You watched (insert player name) play? I think he played well last night, don't you think so.
Me: Yes of course. There was so much aggression when the other players tried to get at his ball. In the end his team mates took care of the ball. It was really aggressive but the game was played in a tactical fashion. It was a beautiful game... really really beautiful.
Fan: Yes, I was on the edge of my seat. Looking forward to the next World Cup.
Me: Of course. We'll have to wait another year.
Fan: ...

Then again, who knows?

I might be a fan one day.

When I drink alone at home, I have a tendency to blog. This usually occurs when I'm three-quarter-way there and bored shit with surfing Liveleak and Digg.

So I log into Movable Type and write something I'm currently thinking of. No matter how absurd the post is to the sober person, it will always appear as a beautiful work of art to my drunken mind. The post is disastrously honest and vulgar. It feels good. I can write about everything and anything when I'm drunk.

This post is good shit, let me click the save button.

Hmm... let me lie down a while...

The next thing I know, I'm waking up with a bad hangover. I get out of bed and knock over a half finished can of Baron on the floor. I remember I posted something on Orangeous but can't remember what it is. I crawl to my computer and log into Movable Type.

Holy mother...

I hit the delete button. But the problem is, I don't wake up that early. The damage is done. You have already read the post and almost choked on your morning coffee. When you refresh the page after lunch, the post is gone. Then you know... I have been drunk blogging.

Yesterday's drunk post was about my mum visiting Orangeous. Still on a regular basis. I was drinking and talking to her at the same time when she mentioned about something I had recently posted on Orangeous. I can't remember. She confessed.

I deleted the post because I had labeled her a sneaky-f... for fun and felt that it was very inappropriate.

Anyways, hi mum.

Sneaky.

I have spent the past 15 years of my life studying.

Honestly, if you were to ask me about my secondary school and polytechnic days, I have no memories to share which I am proud of.

During my days in Victoria School, being a menace was the cool thing among the crowd in the lousier classes. Students from the better classes were labeled as stuck up assholes or fucked up nerds. We would walk out of classes, skip school and sneak up HDB blocks after school to smoke. Cigarettes could be bought from the nearby coffeeshop. We had to take off our school badges and go behind the drinks counter to buy cigarettes from the uncle. Lab lessons were spent copying from one another, playing aimlessly with (or stealing) chemicals and squirting distilled water at one another. The trend those days was cyber gaming. After school, we would hop on the bus down to Sim Lim Square. We had to put on a smelly unwashed t-shirt fished out of a huge cardboard box because we couldn't play in our school uniforms and we were lazy to bring extra clothes. Besides, the extra clothes wouldn't even fit inside our schoolbags, which were barely big enough for a textbook. Every time test papers were returned, the same old conversation would take place. For example, the Additional Maths paper...

Me : How much did you get?
Classmate : 10/100. You?
Me : Haha! 3/100.
Classmate : Haha! Better score than mine! How?
Me : Oh, I only managed to do the simultaneous equations. And I didn't get it right.
Classmate : Haha. I got 42 points for my prelim. How many did you get?
Me : 49 points. Higher than yours.
Classmate : Haha, let's spend our next few months roaming about. Not like we intend to get into JC anyway.

I got so smashed the night before on beer and glue that I didn't even turn up for the Biology paper.

Somehow, I got lucky and ended up studying Information Technology in Temasek Poly. Within the first 2 weeks of school, I had received 7 warning letters for zero attendance. The rest of the years didn't go along well. I resorted to paying people to sign my attendance as well as to do my projects. $100 for a project, multiplied by my 3 years there, is a lot of money. There was a point in time I only came to school when my Dad didn't need the car for his work. I would drop him at the office, and take the Kaki Bukit flyover to school. After school, I would drive to the nearest 7-11 to get beer. At 5:30 p.m., I would take the same flyover back to his workplace to pick him up. I was usually in a very tipsy state and he would scream and demand to take over the wheel. When I headed home, I would usually skip dinner and continue drinking till midnight. I remember getting wasted in the school canteen and bringing cans of beer into the lecture hall and tutorial classes. There was once I tried walking into school, swinging an opened can of beer in my hand, but was removed from the premises by the security guard.

The only project which I had ever finished on my own, was my Final Year Project. That "B" was the highest grade I ever got.

Time went by very fast, and soon I was in National Service. One night, after booking out, I was sitting at home, packing my educational certificates. I found my Temasek Polytechnic transcript and looked through the columns of "F"s and "D"s. I had a Grade Point Average of 1.97. Who the hell on Earth will be that insane enough to hire me? I just realized that I had wasted the past 7 years of my life, accomplishing nothing! I wasn't even an athlete, I had poor grades and not even a testimonial to show.

I woke up. I woke the fuck up.

Immediately I enrolled myself for an Advanced Diploma in Business Studies course with PSB Academy and paid the $5k within the next week. It was my decision to study this time so I had better show some results. For the next 1 1/2 years, I spent most my weekends burnt and under a lot of pressure to do well. It came as a shock to me after slacking for 7 years.

The course ended just in time to join the University of Newcastle intake, also at PSB Academy campus. For a $5k course, Jessie and I were granted almost $9k worth of credit exemptions. It was the best decision I've ever made so far.

Everything has been looking good so far if you ask me. I have been handing up every single piece of school work on time. I enjoy the lectures and participate to the fullest during the tutorials. I am very satisfied with my results. I made lots of friends. I even found the time to hit the gym, skate or run every single day of the week. I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the university ball held last week. It was the first time in my life attending a ball. Right now, it just feels as if the real school life had just begun for me. Even though we've got to spend long hours in school finishing up projects and sacrificing some weekends, I am proud of doing what I am supposed to do right now... to not worry about anything else and just study!

If I could relive my younger days all over again, I would have done many things differently :

1) In Victoria School, I would have aimed to be one of the "fucking nerds" in the better classes. I would have worked hard to be like the "suck-ups" receiving awards on Speech Day. Victoria School was a great environment to study in. The teachers were brilliant. The facilities and character-building activities organized were outstanding. Honestly, I was the only screw up.

2) In Temasek Poly, I would have picked up a new sport and joined a club. I would have aimed to be in the Dean's List. I would have worked so hard to get my project featured in the Project Fair.

Then again, there is nothing in the past I can change now. The opportunity is lost. Now, a new opportunity exists for me to redeem myself and I cannot let this one slip.