Recently in Diablo-Dildo Category

Insurgent ants.

Early this morning, I saw what looked like dead ants all over the roof of my car.

I shoved one of them with the tip of my finger. It woke up, scampered around, and woke up the nearby ants, all which seemed dazed and confused. I didn't have time to spray water all over my car, so I drove off, hoping that the ants would be blown away by the wind.

Nothing happened. They remained on the surface of the car, crawling through the cracks of the window into the car, then into the air-con vent. FUCK! And were all gone after a while, probably hiding in the cracks.

Fogging.

When I reached home, there was routine fogging going on at the car park. I couldn't ask the guy to fog the inside of my car, but I figured out that the genocide would be brutal enough if I parked in the thick fog. With the skies dark and cloudy, I am expecting a glorious victory.

They can run, they can hide. They know that they're surrounded. The nerve gas and heavy rainfall will eventually drive these insurgents out of their caves.

[ Update - 11:27 PM ]

Fuck it. Nothing worked. The moment the air-con was switched on, the ants started pouring out of the vents and Jessie had a lot of smacking to do.

I'm considering borrowing an anteater from the zoo. Preferably a very hungry one.

Next time when you go to Serangoon Gardens to dine at Chomp Chomp, try not to park outside the terrace houses even though you're not obstructing their way.

I parked opposide Liquid Kitchen weeks back and I think somebody dialed hotline. The letter came yesterday, another $70 gone. Thats worth a lot of BBQ stingray!

Last last week...

Only one stripe.. 

Last week

We added more stripes.. 

A old Civic 1.5GL with racing stripes =D Big thanks to Jessie for helping me finish up the stripes, enduring 7 long hours standing in the basement carpark, measuring, marking, cutting stripes and polishing this Diablo-Dildo up. Sometimes when I got frustrated that the lines weren't stuck in place, I would start screaming before tearing them out in a rage.  Luckily she was there to help me fix it up and climb all over the car to position the stripes.

The uncle initially charged $120 for only 1 line down the bonnet. 3 lines would have cost much more. So I asked him how much it would cost to print the stickers then stick it on my own. $60. That's about half the price! We tore out all the stickers, all the logos, and washed the car before we began.

So, armed with a squeegee and lots of soap water, we managed to DIY the stripes.

After work, Alvin and Kaiwen came over to my place. We dedicated the entire night to polishing our machines, giving them a good foundation coat before we experiment with other waxes.

He had a box full of $100 waxes. Mine only cost barely $15 for both.

I managed to convince Alvin to use TurtleWax for once. The good old fashion hardcore rubbing way. Nothing beats getting down and dirty to the basics.

We polished and waxed our cars from 8 p.m -12 midnight.  That's FOUR fuckin hours of NON-STOP work on two cars, even with Kaiwen's help (he just tagged along).

The result was abso-fuckin-lutely showroom quality, even though we had a incredibly tiring workout. The cars shone like nothing the $100+ waxes and polishes could provide. And we were damn stunned , when even a ball of crumpled tissue paper could slide down our shiny bonnets.

If you really have the four hours to spare.. give your car a real good basic coat. From then on, you'll only need a non-wax-stripping shampoo, and a TurtleWax Instant-Shine spray polish to maintain that shine forever!

Jessie's been sick for the past few days, down with indigestion. I've got to monitor her diet this weekend so that she'll get well soon, and we can resume our normal workout sessions, on and off the bed.

And.. 

Nabeh cheebye!  The Lambokghini Diablo-Dildo attempted to squeeze into a small lot today and ended up scraping the wall with the rear bumper. I totally forgot about the fact that I was driving an expensive super-luxury sports car, not a cheap small 2nd hand COE car.  Fucked up my mood a bit.

I'm going to replace the rear bumper for $80,000 because I'm feeling very rich. Driving around with paint marks on the bumper is going to spoil my high-class image.

You thought you've seen the fastest. Thats what you thought..

In this month's special Lambokghini feature edition, Motoring Singapore's reporter Monica Cheng gets the chance to meet the owner of the latest and the fastest car to ever grace the streets of Singapore. It seems that Lambokghini decided to build yet another model, in addition to it's line of high-performance supercars. Rumored to be the "younger brother" of the Lamborkghini Diablo, it is not only leaner, but meaner and comes with a 500 bullpower engine (1 bullpower = 20 horsepower), guranteed to woo the crowd.

In the early 2000s, Lamborkghini recruited a team of the best scientists and engineers in the world, threw them in a $8-billion-dollar R&D facility in Area 51 and kept on increasing their salaries. After 7 years of intensive research, Lamborkghini has successfully developed, the most sought-after high performance super car in the world...The Diablo-Dildo.

We got the rare opportunity to interview his dad, the renowned property tycoon Mr David Cum Fuch Me .

MC : Mr CFM,  what made you buy the Diablo-Dildo for your son?

David CFM : Well, I was looking through my bank book and I realized I had too much money. So I decided to buy my son the Diablo-Dildo as a surprise Saturday-Afternoon gift. If got money, why don't spend? Later die, cannot spend. Besides, I have hardly any time for my son. So this is the perfect opportunity to show him that daddy still loves him, and he'll always be my precious little one..

The name Diablo-Dildo not only gives the car a sexy feel, but a tough yet sturdy ride with occassional vibrations here and there. Hope my son loves riding on it.

MC : Critics are saying that your son is only 21. With barely 3 years of driving experience, is he able to control the 500 bullpower car? 

David CFM : Yes.. I understand my son has only 3 years of driving..but..

MC : Moreover the roads here are so narrow? Will he be a hazard to other motorists?

David CFM : Wait.. let me finish.  I understand he has only 3 years of driving experience and is only 21. But.. if you don't drive sport car now? Then when? 30 years old? Do you want to be like me? Old man with grey hair cruising down ECP in a convertible? That's why I buy him supercar to look good.

The faster the car is, the safer it is for him. He can overtake anything and will never touch his brake, which may cause him to skid. Besides that, I have a lot of money. I can afford to pay for every lamp post or bus stop that he knocks down. And if he totals the car, I still have more than enough to buy him another one. Oh hey bitch, sorry I got important meeting now. If you have any further enquiries, you can MSN me.

You heard it. Those were the words of none other than the famous Mr D-C-F-M!  And now we proceed to part II of our interview, with none other than Mr Sukianto, owner of one of the world's fastest supercars.

MC : It's a real pleasure meeting you on such short notice Mr Sukianto. Were you very excited when you first received this supercar as a gift from your dad?

Sukianto : I was initially very fuckin pissed off when he called me down to the carpark. It was 11am and I was still sleeping. Ended up making my way down in nothing but my underwear. When I arrived, Dad was standing there, right in front of a spanking new Lamborkghini Diablo-Dildo, twirling the car keys. I couldn't believe what I saw. And instantly, I knew that he loved me a lot. I'm very proud to have a dad like DCFM.

MC : That was a very heartwarming moment. Would you like to show us your car? Especially your engine, which is the hot topic among many car enthusiasts.

Sukianto : Of course. I just polish. No touching the body, only can touch the rubber. I don't like fingerprints. 

As you can see. The engine is very powerful. Very messy, that's why it is powerful. The red part is the engine. It has 40 splarkk plugs, 10 per blue plug. This 40 splarkk plugs is equivalent to 40 household stoves. You know the piak-piak thing when you turn it on? This engine has 500 bullpower. It is also a Dual Carb engine, which is the more improved model of the Single Protein engine. 

That's why this car is able to go from 0-10km/h in only 4 seconds. No other car is able to do that. Besides that, it's top speed is a whopping 110km/h, which is 20km/h faster than the expressway speed limit. No red light camera is able to capture my license plate, because I am able to reverse very very fast.

You can also see the hair-intake on the left side. This is ULTRA version. Only Lamborkghini has this type of tornado hair-intake. It has sucking power equivalent to 800 vacuum cleaners or 60 porn stars!

That is why my car is cutting-edge above others.

Now I show you inside of it ok?

MC : That would be great!

Sukianto : If you come in, your shoe better be clean. I think u should step-step the floor a while to remove sand.

This is MORMOR sterling wheel. Do you know what it is?

MC : One of the lightest and most responsive steering wheels developed by Lamborkghini, which took 40 top scientists nearly 10 years to develop?

Sukianto : Exactly. With this MORMOR sterling wheel, I can out-steer anybody on the road. This is very important, because when I'm at the roundabout at Fountain of Wealth, many people try to guailan and overtake. So i need to be responsive, in order to over-overtake them. I can drive fast fast, many many rounds around the fountain for people to admire my car, with only one hand on the sterling wheel.

The centre yellow button is the horn. It is no ordinary horn. It is an air-horn (serious). This is extremely effective when I'm at Little India on Saturday night. People anyhow cross the road like animals. In order to warn people to siam, I press my horn gently one time. This is loud enough to make glass break, set off car alarms and make people stumble backwards. Even the uncle sitting 320 metres away eating murtabak go deaf. Then I accelerate off, leaving them to eat shit smoke. 

You can see my manual gearbox on the left. It is 10 speed gearbox. It is electronically controlled by the mainframe computer in my boot. It even has Artificial Intelligence to predict which gear I will choose next. And next to it is my cigarette lighter. Even though I don't smoke, when my friends sleep, I can burn them with it.

My air-con is also very unique. Each outlet has the cooling capacity of 1 Daikin aircon. I have 4 of them in my car, which is able to keep the surrounding air as cool as 24 degrees celcius. My car MP3 player is most unique. It has WinAmp and Itunes installed so I can access my songs from my house computer. The sound system is so boombastic that when I drive outside MOS, people queueing outside cannot hear anything else but the music from my car. People inside MOS automatically go deaf after 2 minutes.

You want to see my ass?

MC : Behind you mean? Yes of course, the Diablo-Dildo is famous for it's ultra stylish and sleek behinds.

Sukianto : I show you.

The spoiler is ultra low so it blends in with the car. If you don't look closely, you won't even notice the spoiler. It can also be detached to be used as a RIPCURL surfboard. This is not only to show people that I'm stylish, but also sporty.

The most important part is the exkaust pipe.  Can you tell me how many there are?

MC : Let me count.... Two?

Sukianto : Wrong. Three. One of them is hidden underneath the car. The three nano-exkaust pipes are designed for ultra fast gas expulsion. You see, when you drive, waste gas builds up inside the engine. So you will need to expel them through the exkaust, otherwise your car becomes heavy and slow. Thanks to Lamborkghini latest exhaust pipe, I can do so, at 70 litres per second. This also includes all the bad gas from the passenger side. Sometimes my friend silent-fart, but don't want to tell. I won't get to smell it, because the exkaust pipe takes care of that.

MC : That was a fantastic interview session. Thank you so much for your time Mr Sukianto. I would like to end this interview with an important question. Will you be taking part in the Singapore F1 Grand Prix 2008? With a supercar like yours, you're almost guranteed to "smoke" out any competition.

Sukianto :  See first if I have time. And also see my mood.

Anyways, Dad, thank you so much. I'm glad this thing, even though very very old and unstable on the roads, can save me a lot of time on transport. =D