Alcohol Fucking Ruined My Life
Before I got wasted.
If you drink occasionally and are the kind who laughs a lot when you're drunk, I believe you're on the safe side. If you're able to handle the alcohol, you're fine. And if you're like me, a fucking monster, then you should stop.
My dear Orangeous friends, I have a confession to make. Something which will change the way you see me, something which will seriously tarnish my image. This is something which I want to be able to talk about years down the road and confidently tell you : Oh! That was a long long time ago! It was really foolish of me! And I expect you to praise me. Heh!
Yesterday Night
What happened last night during Razlan's birthday was totally unexpected. I got wasted, big time, on the verge of blacking out. My anger overcame me somehow and for no apparent fucking reason, I punched the walls at the void deck. I smashed the ground so hard, my right hand hurts so much right now that I can't even straighten my fingers.
Worse case, I kept screaming and threatening to kill Jessie, the one whom I loved dearly. I tried to punch her and I had to be restrained by Pang and Elgene. Even the tight slaps delivered by Bernadette across my face failed to subdue the wild animal I was. I was trashing around, yelling, screaming. I insulted the people around me. I insulted their parents even. I have said the worst things I could ever have imagined. Eventually, everybody had to send me home. Michelle had to come downstairs in the middle of the night with a bottle of ice water. She too, was terrified.
I woke up this morning, with a bad hangover, and I don't even remember anything at all. I have absolutely NO FUCKING IDEA why I did that.
My Confession
So it's now time for me to stand up, say sorry to everybody I've hurt, and admit that yes...
My name is Chris. And I am a FUCKING alcoholic. I want and need to stop.
I have been lying to everyone around me! Everyone including Jessie. I have been discreetly drinking away most of the nights since March this year. I tell Jessie that I'm going to bed, but in fact I have a unopened can of beer sitting on my table. I have never admitted this to anyone and I will do so now.
My usual drinks are one long can of Knock Out beer, mixed with one long can of Baron. $9.80. Or I'll get two ABC stout bottles and one bottle of Baron. One full bottle of Jack Daniels and half-full Absolut Vanilla vodka, all gone within 4 days after Jessie's chalet. I downed them all in shots. I was so thirsty I couldn't even be bothered to mix them.
And here's what NOBODY KNOWS. When I'm high on the alcohol, I have a fucking bad habit of bringing it up another level. I have risked my life in a reckless and unnecessary manner.
1. I frequently down 4 tablets of Panadol Flu / Piriton with the alcohol to get an extra kick.
2. When there is no more Panadol Flu left, I have been chugging down cough mixture containing codeine. This, done after taking lots of alcohol, gives me a very strange, but soothing and high feeling. I like the feeling a lot, but the next day I will be so hungover and thirsty, I don't even want to get out of bed. One night, my heart beat so fast after gulping the mixture, I wasn't able to get up, and I lay down on the kitchen floor for half an hour. I thought I was going to die. Go ask Pang, Elgene and Waikian, I've ever called them years ago claiming to be floating and kissing the ceiling.
3. I crush Panadol tablets and snort them. It gives me a sudden high. I'm not always careful when I'm drunk, I don't grind the thing well and sometimes my nose bleeds.
And the vicious cycle repeats itself, for few days straight. My excuse to Jessie for sneaking out in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but my pyjamas to buy beer, is...
If I don't drink, I can't sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow.
And what happens? I wake up close to noon the next day. Down a few more shots to ease the hangover. And I repeat the cycle all over again. I am constant-fucking-ly high.
If you don't believe me, go check your blogs. Check the comments I've posted! 2am?! 3am?! 4am?! I was totally wasted and high from the alcohol-drug combo. And I don't even remember commenting on your blogs until I happened to read them the next day. I hope I haven't said anything offensive. I apologize.
Other Incidents
1. Stark Naked - 13 OCT 06
2. Broken Key 2005 - 7 JAN 06
3. Drunk Students Pt 2 - 09 DEC 04
I can't seem to find a post which was published a long time ago. I think the readers who have been following Orangeous for a long time recall that in that post, I wrote about sleeping outside the house, covered in vomit. My belongings were all scattered along the corridor. The newspaper guy spotted me when he arrived in the morning, and asked if I needed an ambulance. Everybody around me, including my parents still remember that particular incident.
I have been drink driving during my poly days. So wasted that I needed to stop my car at the side of the road just to vomit. I have even pissed in my pants while I was driving. There was once I collapsed at the round tables at the void deck of Pang's flat in Seng Kang. My car was illegally parked near the table and my car keys were on the table. Unbelievably, nothing went missing when both of us dozed off for half an hour. Everytime I came home late at night, I was wasted. The basement carpark was usually empty, so I didn't really need to park.
I actually vomited on my dad once, while he was driving me to work. He made a U-turn and everything just exploded from my mouth. The dashboard, steering wheel and his arms were all covered in vomit.
Wasted.
How about a round of applause, plus a standing ovation?
I'm honestly soo touched by the post and I'm v damn proud of you! Owning up is never easy, so it definitely shows how repentant you are. Don't worry we will be here for you, and rooting for u!
*claps clapsss* Hooray and 3 cheers for Chris!
and of course.. Jessie! :)
MY AWESOME INVISI WINGS. :D
thank you bernadette! =D really appreciate you helping me out last night. i'll make it up to you guys during martini party. i'll have mocktails only and drive you guys home afterwards.
After you let it all out, the next is to abide to what you want to achieve.
You can do it, chris!
fuck yea. good on you for owning up. i feel you.
now how the hell does snorting pulverized panadol gives you a high?! teach me!!!
although i'm one who make drinks. i support you all the way, i too have been in similar situations and have sworn to stop doing the drugs and etc. i'm proud of you because you dare to own up publicly. i didn't even dare to tell my parents.
Brother,
You lost control in front of your friends, so you made this post. You're admitting the problem because it's become too clear to those around you to ignore. Otherwise this post might not have been made, yes?
Be careful, in the end all the kudos and all the applause those around you offer won't be enough.
Ultimately this is some shit you have to deal with FOR YOURSELF and BY YOURSELF.
Kero : thank thank thank you!
fiona : i'm not sure. just grind them up to powder form, line them up, and snort them. it starts off with slight pain, eye waters and nose blocks up afterwards, rendering that nose useless. if you wanna know more you can :
http://www.partyvibe.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2087
eugene : drinking is fine for you if it's not too much of a problem like mine, just quit the drugs.
Jiarong : yea man, you're right it has become a problem clearly visible to those around me. for myself, by myself =D
Naw bro, I'm saying be careful not to always depend on those around you for a reason to quit.
There will come a time when it's 4am and you can't sleep and you're feeling shitty and you're craving a high and there's no one there to stand beside you. Then you have to find it within yourself and nobody else to quit and be free.
It can be very difficult to quit if you can't find the right reasons, that's why many people get on and off the wagon, never really quitting till whatever it is kills them.
If I were you I'd spend some time thinking alone. Find the real reason why you get high, and why you can't do it without it becoming a problem.
I doubt it's as simple as health worries or turning into a raging dick-head when you're wasted.
Hey Chris,
Am glad that you want to change for the better to control your alcohol addiction.
Less than 3 weeks ago, I was actually sent to SGH for observation as there has been a tear on the walls of my oesophagus. The cause of it: heavy liquor drinking.
This have been diagnosed since 2-3 years ago at CGH but I thought I could control it. Well, I still think I do. I don't drink as much nowadays.
I spent the whole of Sunday, hydrating myself with nothing but plain water; I think I used up about 2 1/2 jugs of plain water.
As I said above, I am glad that you are changing your alcoholic addictions. While @Jiarong is right that this is a problem you need to face yourself, the support of your loves ones and your peers will ensure that you remain on the right path.
best of luck,
Sham
Brother, no matter what happened, you are still my friend. You are not alone in your journey.
Don't disappoint us - never give up!
Sham you should have told me like honestly that you cannot drink so much. Okay, i know you told me but I thought u were a super drinker! I'm so sorry about the 2-3 heavy duty drinks I crazily mixed for you!
lol!
eh, wad if u get ure gf pregnant? wad u gonna do then
jiayou!
well chris, all i can say is jia you on changing it :D thats y i always nvr get myself drunkk when i'm with friends :x later they like u, then die no one to bring them home LOL, well, jy wor ~! see ya soon man
well jessie, forgive him, if he ever does that again, make sure he's dead :X
Don't give up bro :D
Wow.
I like the punch the floor part..very identical to the hulk..
hey dude.. we all screw up in our little dysfunctional ways.. as long as we mend our ways.. nothing better than the return of the prodigal son..
do this for yourself.. but draw from the strength of the people around you who loves you..
now.. this reminds me that i need to go easy on my comfort foods.. n step up moi weight loss programme.. =(
woot! so many comments.
Jiarong : =D I'm trying to brush the whole idea of getting high off my mind. yea man there will be a time when i'm craving a high at 4am, i guess i'll spend that moment lying on my bed playing on my PSP. Haha! Great idea right?
Sham : Hey Sham! Great to see you! Oh my, that night I was freaking wasted after visiting the kitchen. My whole shirt stank of spilled liquor.
Razlan : Thank you! And happy birthday! That was a big big big big big bash man! Your parties get more and more fun because we know more and more of your guests!
bernadette : how bad was heavy duty?! haha, see you tomorrow.
pj : girlfriend pregnant? I doubt I can even sustain an erection when I'm that drunk!
tingx : thank you too!
henry : haha don't worry it wont happen again!
Michelle : thanks for bringing down iced water in the middle of the night!
Timothy : =D i still can't believe the things I did!
Kian : exactly. and i'm aware i have a new nickname now.
zijie : thanks bro! what's your comfort food? mine are bags after bags of potato chips. more cardio man! split your meals into 6 small portions a day. you can do it!
Chris, you are so brave, man. i have a very hard time admitting to things that i do wrong. i go to great lengths to cover them up. being so open is the bravest and best thing! you are such a wonderful guy. let all your loving friends, family, Jessie help you! i'm rooting for you, too.
congrats! i think this will be a great change for you.
ALEC!
its soooo cool you tagged! HOW ARE YOU DOING??? :D
Hey alec thank you! how's life over there in Hong Kong?! When you come back, give me a call alright?
Hi, you can call me Rain though it's not my real name. I'm 26/female and started smoking and drinking since 14. When I was 16, I was drowning myself with cough mixtures and sleeping pills every night....
I'm glad you've found the strength
While I've been searching for mine....
Rain, I wish you all the best. Even though I didn't stay away from alcohol completely, I learned my limit. =D I still drink, when the occasion calls for it.
Do stop the cough mixture and sleeping pills. It's damaging. I believe that if you want to get really high, you should migrate from SG and probably to Aus where you can get high on the weed and LSD there. Save up for it, you can do it.
Wish you all the best.
Hi Chris,
It's nice to know that even an Asian has such a problem. I am one and I have been having drinking trouble and it felt like I was the only one since we are not known for this sort of behavior. What I wanted to say was that be glad that you have friends. I have practically zero friends and I could not lean over for support anywhere. Majority of my drinking took place in bars which literally cost me thousands of dollars. And guess what I was the only Asian in almost all of the bars I went to. Even if there was another Asian, it happened probably .001% of the time and I am not exaggerating. Please, don't take it the wrong way but I can't stress this enough-the need to have real and true friends. You probably are the second generation but I am the first generation and drinking got me in a hole. I guess I was not as hard as a drinker as you. Drank whiskey and beers (a lot), meaning pretty close to where you are or were but the trouble came when you are alone in a bar and the people couldn't be any unfriendlier. Thanks for the post and best of luck to you.
Hi Stranger,
You see, as a student, I could not afford going to bars. Everything went downhill once I brought the drinking home. I could even drink during breakfast (hair of the dog, but more extreme).
Intense exercise on a daily basis did help me kick his frequent drinking habit. You can't workout to the fullest and you feel horrible if you're intoxicated (even if slightly). That did help me kick the habit. Secondly was the support my family, girlfriend and friends gave.
On the other hand, I KNOW people (yes, Asians) who drink everyday and lived till a ripe old age. I guess it has something to do with a proper diet too... Then again I may be wrong.
Drinking moderately (or when the occasion calls for it, eg. weddings, really big celebrations) is a big improvement for us.
Thanks for sharing with us. Really appreciate it. Best of luck to you too. Do keep us updated on how you're doing.
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